


Some turn to dust

by orphan_account



Category: Bandom, Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance, Panic! at the Disco, Paramore, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Cutting, Depressed Pete, Funeral, Gerard is a great friend, I don't know, I'm Sorry, M/M, Please Don't Kill Me, Poor Patrick and Pete, Sad Ending, Starbucks, Suicide Attempt, everything i write is sad, i don't know what this is, like super depressed, sorry i suck, who knows - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-02
Updated: 2016-04-23
Packaged: 2018-05-24 08:17:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6147435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pete's been going through some problems. Yeah, just read the tags. They kind of say it all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Raggdoll_101](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Raggdoll_101/gifts).



> Yeah, sorry in advance. I really suck at this writing thing, but, you know, just tell me what you think. I am open to criticism.

Pete looked in the mirror. He looked awful, with eyeliner streaked under his eye, and his normally bright eyes so dull. He wasn't sure how he was still alive. He thought that if anyone felt as bad as this, it would destroy them. But here he was, and he was alive and in pain.

He had never really thought about the phrase, "my better half", but now that he was torn into pieces, he thought about this phrase. And thinking about that phrase made him think of Patrick. Patrick. Sea green eyes, strawberry blond hair, beautiful. Patrick, shy, kind, smart. It made Pete want to cry, but he didn't have any tears left.

_When Patrick stood by the bridge, he thought about Pete. Sarcastic, funny, hot, great voice. Eyeliner, skinny jeans, and that infuriating smirk that made Patrick want to kiss him. But everything made Patrick want to kiss Pete, so that was no surprise. Patrick thought of Pete, and Pete was what made him want to jump. Pete deserved better than cowardly, fat Patrick. That's what Patrick told himself. That's why Patrick jumped._

Josh and Tyler came over to Pete's house to help him get ready. They were upset over Patrick's death too, but Pete was torn beyond repair. They gently led him to the bathroom, and told him to wash up. When Pete came out, he was wearing a T-shirt, skinny jeans, and eyeliner. Josh asked if this was what he meant to wear to the funeral, but Pete only responded with,"Patrick liked this." They let it go.

Brendon drove up to the house, Frank and Gerard already in the backseat. Pete, Josh, and Tyler all slid in, all much more subdued than a normal car of teenage boys. They drove to the small church where the funeral was going to be held. Pete looked around. "Patrick never went to this church in his life." Patrick's family had chosen the place. They boys had all sobered up, wearing pants that weren't jeans, and taking out any piercings. Pete was the only one wearing much emo gear, but he didn't notice. He was looking at the pictures of Patrick at the back of the church. Patrick laughing, Patrick happy, not the Patrick that went over the bridge. 

 _Patrick had debated leaving some sort of note, but had decided against it. Pete would understand. Pete always did. Patrick hadn't told anyone about the way he was feeling. Patrick_ _knew he would miss Pete, but wasn't Pete the reason for all this, even if he didn't know it?  
_

Pete barely listened to the sermon. The man was taking about a Patrick that the relatives knew, the shy and pious one, the good little straight boy. He didn't say anything about the smart-mouthed comments, the fact that Patrick had had a boyfriend and had never gone to a church voluntarily in his life. This wasn't about Patrick, this was about the people that were left behind, the relatives and the family.The only part that was about Patrick was when Gerard asked to speak. He walked to the front of the church, and said only one thing. "I'm not okay!" Then he sat back down.

     There was a shocked silence from all the adults, and then all of Patrick's friends applauded. Patrick would have loved it. It hurt Pete to already talk about Patrick in the past tense. Pete hoped that the memories of Patrick would never fade, that he would stay bright, even if the pain stayed sharp. Patrick had been cremated, his ashes in a silver jar. Unbidden, the song lyric that Pete and Patrick had been working on, holed up in Patrick's room all those afternoons drifted into his mind.  _Some turn to dust or to gold..._ Patrick had turned to dust. 

A few weeks later, Pete wanted the pain to dull. He wanted to cry until the tears washed away his face, leaving it a clean and unbroken slate. He wanted to forget that he had ever loved a boy named Patrick, and wanted to stop being in pain.


	2. The Right Way to do things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Patrick-it still kills me to write this- dies, Gerard tries to comfort Pete.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for the Way pun. It just happens.

     Gerard looked at his watch. He still had time for Starbucks. He needed caffeine for the task ahead of him. But he decided that he should pick some up for Pete too, so he ordered a black coffee and a peppermint latte. Gerard was embarrassed about ordering a peppermint latte, but he couldn't stop ordering them. Pete always got black coffee. "Like my soul." he liked to say.

     Pete was outside of his house, sitting on the steps, looking at his shoes. After the funeral, Pete hadn't worn anything emo ever since. It seemed like he was trying to change, to not be the Pete that Patrick had hung out with. Gerard knew that Pete had also tried to date girls, even though he was completely gay. He didn't have an attraction towards any of the girls, and all of the dates had ended without a second one. Pete seemed to be determined to be a "normal" guy. And "Normal guys" didn't date guys.

    Gerard didn't see what had been wrong with Pete in the first place, but Pete seemed to think there was a problem. Gerard has seen his room, and all the band posters were gone and there was no sign of Pete's guitar. It's like Pete wanted to forget who he was, or who he used to be. He just wore jeans-the non-skinny kind, and hoodies all the time. He never wore makeup anymore, and his hair had been cut short. He had been distant from his friends, sitting alone at lunch and saying nothing during class, even though he had always been the annoying guy who grilled the teacher about the point of the lesson, claiming that he couldn't learn when the subject was boring. Now he just took his work quietly, and never raised his hand. Gerard thought this had something to do with Patrick, but he knew Patrick would have never wanted Pete to do this. He would have never wanted Pete to conform to what other people's idea of normal.

     Gerard picked Pete up once a week, just to go to the movies. If Pete wanted to talk, then Gerard would let him do it in his own time. Pete never talked to Gerard beyond polite conversations nothing like the Pete that could talk for hours about anything, music, school, philosophy, clothes. But Gerard wasn't even sure if Pete was listening to music anymore. Music was part of who Pete was, and also part of Gerard, so Gerard wasn't sure how Pete was even living. Maybe Pete wasn't living, just a mindless drone going on, numb of emotions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please don't kill me!


	3. thnks fr th mmrs ( I just want to forget)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gerard asks Pete why he's changed so much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was really uninspired, but writing's what keeps me semi-sane, so I have to do this.

     Gerard looked at Pete. "Do you want to tell me what's going on?"

     "No."

     Gerard sighed. Pete was so closed off ever since Patrick..., well, he was just different. Gerard didn't think that Pete would ever really go back to who he was with Patrick, and that was okay. People change, are different when around certain people, and when those people are gone, you never get the person you were with them back. Gerard just wanted the Pete who cared about living back. Gerard didn't think that Pete would ever kill himself, but he knew you could be breathing and surviving and still not be alive.

     Pete had started eating lunch alone in the band room. Josh and Tyler went there to pick up an instrument and found Pete sitting behind the guitars, eating a sandwich. That was the second day that Pete hadn't shown up to lunch, but when everyone asked he didn't say where he had been. Tyler had wanted to drag Pete down to the lunchroom, but Josh objected. "Sometimes people just need to be alone and figure things out. Just give him a little while." Tyler didn't look like he bought it, but he begrudgingly nodded his head. Tyler figured that Josh knew as much about that as anyone. After Josh's sisters Abigail and Ashley had died in a car crash a few years ago, Josh hadn't talked for a couple of months, and it took him about a year to go back to his friends. Maybe Pete would be okay again.

     Pete quit band after about a month. Their school's band was non traditional in that instead of tubas and flutes, there were guitars, drums, and pianos. Tyler even had a ukulele in there. They were allowed to play emo and hip-hop music as long as they could prove that they were learning about music to the band teacher. Brendon was murderous. "How can he do that? Now their band is ruined! He's just ignoring us completely!" Josh tried to calm Brendon down. 

    "Just give him a few months. If he doesn't change by then... Maybe we and he will just have to move on. We can't force him to be the person that he used to be." Brendon did not look convinced. No one said anything, but no wanted to accept that the Pete that they used to know wouldn't be back. At the end of band practice, no one talked. Josh and Tyler walked out hand in hand. 

       "Do you think he'll be okay?" Tyler whispered anxiously into Josh's shoulder. Tyler liked Josh's shoulder. He could hide from the world there. Josh thought about it for a second.

       "Maybe. He probably won't ever heal completely, but he'll get better. I got better, and hopefully he will too. Okay might not come, but better will." Tyler nodded. 

     "I hope so." Josh nodded.

    "Yeah."

        Pete stopped talking to any of them again. He quit art, and started eating lunch in the lunchroom again, but by himself by the window. Josh and Tyler were the only ones not upset by that, as Josh had gone through something like that in middle school. Tyler and Josh were the only ones that had gone to that middle school, so Tyler was the only person in their group of friends other than Josh who had seen it before. Everyone else was very upset. "At this rate, he might as well run for student president, because I think he's changed enough. He is done with us." Haley said vehemently. Josh just shook his head.

     "I'm starting to think he might not come back to us after all." Haley glared at him.

     "You think?" she said sarcastically. 

      Pete relapsed back into cutting himself. When Patrick had found him in the school bathroom with a razor, he had cried. Patrick was the only person that Pete had listened to, so he had stopped cutting himself. After a while, because of Patrick, he was happy enough that he didn't even want to anymore. There was no Patrick now to convince him and keep him happy. He didn't have anyone who could fill Patrick's place. He was angry at Patrick. How could Patrick have left him alone? How could Patrick do the same thing that he kept Pete from doing?

     


	4. Chapter 4

     Pete knew that what he was doing was something Patrick never would have wanted him to do. Patrick would have never wanted him to pull away from his friends. Pete knew he was destroying himself slowly, and he didn't want anyone around to watch. Friendships take maintenance that Pete couldn't give. And in a way, it was easier. There was no one to hold him accountable for his actions, no one to bring him back when all he wanted was to disappear. Friends were the ones who noticed when there was something wrong, and pushed for answers even if you didn't even know. 

    His parents didn't notice. Pete had been distant from them for a long time, so they didn't notice when his silences became longer, he disappeared for longer periods of time to his room. It's strange when you can live with someone but still not know them well enough to notice when something was off. Pete didn't mind. He didn't want anyone to notice. He was walking up to his room one day when his mother came up to him. "Pete?" He looked at her and gave a quiet,

     "Yes?" She looked at him and sighed. 

      "Pete, one of your friends, Josh, I think he said his name was, came over, and he was wondering if you would meet him over the weekend." She looked at him with pleading eyes. She liked it when Pete had friends over, thought that he needed to have more contact with people. Pete looked at the ground for a second, and then relented. His friends at least deserved a partial explanation. 

       "Okay." he nodded. She smiled in relief.

     "Good boy." He started to walk away. "Oh, and Pete? I just wanted you to know that your father and I are proud of you no matter what." Pete looked back briefly, and then continued walking.  _For what?_ he wondered. 

     A few days later, Pete walked into the coffee shop that Josh had said to meet him at. Pete had forgotten to ask if Josh would be alone. It was a small local place that Pete hadn't known existed. He recognized Alice in Chains playing in the background, and went up to the counter to order a coffee. A girl came up to the counter. "How can I help you?" she asked.

     "Can I have a large black coffee?" He said, reading her name tag. Debby. 

     "Sure thing." She said. "What name would you like to go with this order?" Pete answered immediately.

     "Patrick." This was Patrick's favorite coffee as well. A look of confusion flashed in her eyes for a second, but quickly disappeared. 

      "Okay. It'll just take a few minutes." He nodded, and headed to a table to wait. So far he hadn't seen Josh anywhere. He was willing to wait. 

      A few minutes later a man called out "Coffee for Patrick?" Pete stood up and walked to get the drink. He didn't know why he had used Patrick's name. It had just come out. He walked up to the counter, and a man handed him the coffee. Pete looked again at the man. It was Josh! Josh looked at Pete for a second. He didn't say anything about the name substitution. "I get off in five minutes, can you grab us a table?" Pete nodded, avoiding Josh's eyes. A few minutes later, Josh walked over to the table. 

    "Hey." Pete said. Josh nodded. He sat at the table and stared at the table for a second. 

    "I guess you're wondering why I wanted to meet you." Pete nodded, saying nothing. "I guess..." Josh took a second to collect his thoughts. "I guess I just wanted you to know that even if you don't want anything to do with anyone, and I totally get this. I've done that before... that you can still come back no matter how long it's been. I don't want to push you, and I can stop trying to talk to you if you want, I just wanted you to know." Pete stayed silent for a while, not sure what to say. Josh seemed to sense that he was thinking, and changed the topic. "I asked Debby to look out for you, but you made it a bit harder." He didn't elaborate, and seemed content to let the silence fill the air around them. They stayed silent for a while, until Pete spoke.

    "I think I'll try sometime. You know, coming back. I just don't know if I'm ready yet." Josh nodded, his eyes thoughtful. Josh stood up. 

    "I've got to go now. Just, hope you know that you can come to me if you ever need anything, okay?" He looked at Pete. Pete nodded for what felt like the hundredth time that day. Josh walked away.

    Pete stayed in the coffee shop thinking for an hour.  When he finally got home, he opened up his phone and stared at it for a while. Than he started a group text and started to type.

     _Guys? I guess I just need to say something..._

 


	5. (semi) normal

     It was hard to pick back up where you left off when you left off in such a weird place. You can forgive, but you can't really forget, so even after you've forgiven someone, you still have the memory of that time that they were closed off, weren't such a great friend. Pete knew that his friends wouldn't really forget what had happened, and it had created a barrier that hadn't been there before. But everyone was pretty understanding, even Brendon and Haley. But Pete knew that everything had changed. 

     Pete couldn't stop cutting himself. He wasn't even sure why he did it. But he couldn't stop carving the red lines into his flesh, sometimes parallel, sometimes in designs. He knew he was destroying himself slowly, but in a way it was a pleasure. Pain to numb the pain. When he bled, he forgot, and there was nothing he wanted more in the world. 

      No one knew. He covered his thighs carefully, and made sure there was no evidence in the bathroom. He never cut himself at school, or when anyone was around. It still gave him plenty of opportunities. He knew that this couldn't go on forever, that this wasn't without consequences, but he didn't care. 

     He was glad for his friends now, as they provided a distraction. He wasn't happy, but he was better than he was before he had come back to his friends. They still treated him gently, and he wanted to scream at them for not treating him like they had before. How was he supposed to be distracted when everything they did just reminded him why they treated him differently?

    He didn't look like he fitted in anymore, being the only one who wasn't emo in his group of friends. Pete didn't want anything to remind him of Patrick. He was still angry that Patrick had left him alone. He didn't understand how he was supposed to go on alone. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this was short, but it's all I could think of.


	6. Chapter 6

      **Three Years Later**

       Pete wasn't okay, but he was better. Scars on his thighs were just that, scars. No more new marks. Pete still cried, it was sometimes all he could do to hold on, but he was getting better. Slowly. Very Slowly. It was still a bit different with his friends than it had been, but they weren't treating him like a cancer patient anymore. He was better.

      He had started to open up a bit more. Patrick was the only one who had ever made him feel safe to talk before, but now he needed to share. It made things better. It made him lighter, cleaner. 

     He had stopped wanting to start over. He wanted to remember Patrick, remain changed. He was willing to move forward though, because that's the only way to heal. 

     He was different. That was to be expected. He hadn't figured out yet whether it was for better or for worse. Maybe neither, maybe he was just simply different.

     For the first time, he was okay with not figuring it out, leaving some things unanswered because the answers would never satisfy him, never be enough. 

     He was better. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's not quite the wrap-up I was expecting, but this is what I've got. *shrugs*   
> Hope you liked it, or at least feel something about it.


End file.
